Wednesday, May 09, 2007

To fear or not to fear

Over the weekend gathered around the table during the playdate, we got to talking about the death of K's cousin's little boy. An autopsy had determined that there was some fluid in the lung and pneumonia, but it was unclear what caused it all. I thought about little E that I spoke about a while back. I found pictures of her recently when I was organizing g's photos. Those pictures were taken in May 2 years ago.

It does not help that g has been nursing a cold for a week. It seems innocuous enough. Except for a constant runny nose, it doesn't seem to have slowed her down till today. Today she received Auntie K's package (thanks, Auntie K) and after an initial burst of activity and curiosity. She settled onto the Wiggles video and has been catatonic after that. She usually is while watching a video but even the hour after that. So I watched and wondered. I took her temperature, put my ear to her chest. I wondered.

It must have been a lot like this in E's house that night when they gently laid her down in bed. She was a little under the weather but nothing that would have caused alarm. They probably kissed her goodnight and tucked her in.

I know that there are too many things in life that are beyond my control, beyond my ability to stop. Though the tug to worry about these things are strong because it is just in my nature to worry. I must resist. It takes away from the moment of living when my preoccupation is in dying.

So I kissed her more tonight, held her just a little longer, sang her an extra song. (I drew the line on two stories though.) The length of life will never be known but the love in her life will always be.

4 comments:

LIVEALITTLE said...

Were you able to read everything on my card? Does everything make sense? What does mom think of the necklace I made for her? Do the clothes fit g? s? How long has g had the sniffles? Can you bring her to the doctor and voice your concerns?

theFamilyC said...

She really seemed to be getting better so we haven't visited the doctor, but she has a cold (at one stage or another) for over a week.

I haven't read the card yet. George did. Gmom liked the necklace. She was wearing it when I came home. Most of the stuff should fit but I haven't gotten a chance to actually put them on. I'll take pictures over the weekend.

LIVEALITTLE said...

Can you show mom the progress of the necklace from start to finish? Here is the link to the first photo. I think there are about 10 pictures. http://www.flickr.com/photos/livealittle/477483119/in/set-72157600157592188/

Hehehoho said...

I just read your post. You know I was profoundly upset by that story of K's cousin's son as well. Life as a parent means continuous worry. This became even more immediate when YS came down with a 102/103 fever later that week. I was literally on vigil through most of the night, checking his temperature and dosing him w/ Tylenol and Motrine. We took him to the doctor, and from the culture he said it wasn't a bacterial infection, and we ended up just waiting for the fever and infection to pass. It was about 48 hours of fever (on and off, more on than off, and it's off only after the application of fever reducing medicine). During that time, it became apparent that parents typically live in a state of continuos worry... is his health okay, will he learn as fast as the other kids, will he become a gangster (a fact of C-town in the 1980's), will he have a satisfying career, will he find someone he loves, etc. It never ends. The only thing we can do is to do the best we can. Teach them, give them a good environment to thrive, and enjoy the moment. The fears and worries will be all around, but we can't let it consume us and ruin the beautiful lives that we get to witness and share.