Over the weekend gathered around the table during the playdate, we got to talking about the death of K's cousin's little boy. An autopsy had determined that there was some fluid in the lung and pneumonia, but it was unclear what caused it all. I thought about little E that I spoke about a while back. I found pictures of her recently when I was organizing g's photos. Those pictures were taken in May 2 years ago.
It does not help that g has been nursing a cold for a week. It seems innocuous enough. Except for a constant runny nose, it doesn't seem to have slowed her down till today. Today she received Auntie K's package (thanks, Auntie K) and after an initial burst of activity and curiosity. She settled onto the Wiggles video and has been catatonic after that. She usually is while watching a video but even the hour after that. So I watched and wondered. I took her temperature, put my ear to her chest. I wondered.
It must have been a lot like this in E's house that night when they gently laid her down in bed. She was a little under the weather but nothing that would have caused alarm. They probably kissed her goodnight and tucked her in.
I know that there are too many things in life that are beyond my control, beyond my ability to stop. Though the tug to worry about these things are strong because it is just in my nature to worry. I must resist. It takes away from the moment of living when my preoccupation is in dying.
So I kissed her more tonight, held her just a little longer, sang her an extra song. (I drew the line on two stories though.) The length of life will never be known but the love in her life will always be.