I have had a lot of mixed feelings about g's 4th. It's big because it signifies her first step away from home. Though she has attended daycare in the past, this is the first time that she has entered a large public school building with a defined teacher and a clear curriculum of work. (It is a bit light on academics for my taste but g is the oldest in her class due to where her birthday fell) It feels different too because I have been assailed with school stuff (parent council meetings, multiple fundraisers and the like). Above all this, the difference I think is internal.
This being her first foray towards independence, I wonder if I have provided her with enough tools to deal with life in school. I wonder if I had given her strength to be herself and to stand up for herself. I wonder if the shy little wallflower that she is will finally come out of her shell and grow. I am still wondering. Almost 2 months after the start of school, I am still wondering. It is not in her nature to blurt information, so news of school goings-on are scant or non-existent. My line of questioning has to be specific (what was lunch? what did you and your friend E played today?) This poses a problem since I go on the little information that I have observed or gleaned from previous conversations. I am wondering if this is a glimpse of her high school years when the responses to my questions would probably be just as brief.
This is a small part of letting go, the beginning of her flight. I hope for her a long and glorious adventure though some of these will from now on remain a mystery to me.
g is my wonder girl. she is the child of my heart, so intelligent, wildly emotional.